Death, or 20p

Death, or 20p

'Gimme twenty-fuckin-pee

or i'll fuckin kill ya'

That was Tommy

fist to my ear

phlegm in my eye

in the far black corner

of Dinny's back bar

between pacman and the pool table

he shook me again

'twenty fuckin pee now boy

or i'll fuckin murder ya'

Tommy was a traveller boy

an unsettled traveller

I never knew a settled one.

I never knew a settled anyone.

Are you settled?

Back around 1989

me and my mates

used to hang around in Dinny's playing pool

sharing fags, maybe even sneaking

a naggin or a couple of cans,

mixing snakepites

then, if we were lucky,

go for a walk to the swings

and pet each other

heavily

but mostly we just played pool

at 20p a go

in Dinny's lounge

the gang of us

disreputable girls and boys

stepping out into

disreputable lives

Most of the boys and girls in town

didn't hang around with us

even if they wanted to

since their parents wanted them to be

doctors or engineers or get rich and get out

and don't embarrass them

one way or another

and we didn't hang around with Tommy

because he was a traveller

so it was

'20 fuckin pee

or i'll fuckin brain ya'

and I gave him the twenty pee

because I didn't want to die

*

A few years later

I heard Tommy burned his own head off

in a bag of glue.

How's your empathy right now?

Imagine

dying

alone

your head searing

down to the bone

in

a

bag

of

glue.

Imagine that.

I dare you.

If Tommy walked in the door now

I'd sit him at my table

I'd ask him to forgive me

I'd ask him for a hug

I'd give him every twenty fuckin pee I had

but he won't ever  be bright at my door

we all know that

and we know

not all the twenty pees

nor all the coins

nor all the notes

Nor all the gold and all silver and the mortgages

that were ever minted

will ever make up for Tommy,

nah, we’ll never make up for Tommy.